What Kind of Future Adults Do We Want to Create?

We all remember the day our child was born. We remember the painful labor and the joyful delivery. We remember the first cry and the cutting of the cord. We remember how the nurse placed this little blanketed bundle gently in our arms. We remember experiencing a flood of thoughts and feelings.

“Wow, so beautiful.”
“He kinda’ has a nose like Aunt Clara, I think.”
“I can’t wait to get her home.”

But in those first precious moments of contact, how many of us thought about the fact that our simple act of creation resulted in a real, live human being? How many of us – even today – look at our minor children with the recognition that our general role as parents is to raise these little human beings to be successful adults?

In the first years of life so much of our energy is devoted to our children’s basic needs: breast feeding and diapers, sleep schedules and whole foods, bottles and potty training, play dates and preschool. How many of us have even had the time to consider that the way we raise our children today will have a profound effect on the kind of adults they become tomorrow? How many of us have asked ourselves, “What kind of future adults do we want to create?”

Do we want our adult children to be independent and responsible?
Do we think they would benefit from operating with a sense of confidence and courage?
Should they be cooperative, kind and respectful?
Is it important for them to have a sense of honesty and integrity?
Is positive self-esteem essential?

Once we consider the qualities we want for our children in the future, the next step is to assist them in developing these qualities today. While children’s individual personalities and experiences will contribute to the development process, parental influence is also a very powerful force. Yet, unfortunately, in my therapeutic work with families today, I have often found that there are so many moms and dads who appear to be afraid to parent their children.

“I don’t want to tell her, ‘No’. She’ll be mad at me.”
“He forgot is math homework. I need to drive it over to the school.”
“All her friends have that new Barbie. I don’t want her to be sad.”
“I just want to be his buddy. I never had that with my father.”

When I hear such comments I start to worry if these mothers and fathers are truly prepared for the significant job for which they’ve willingly signed up. I also wonder about the type of future adults these fearful parents are helping to create.

Our role as parents is not to give into our children’s every whim or desire.
It is not to enable their bad choices.
It is not to make up for any historic deficits in our own personal lives.
It is not to be their friend.

FROM THAT FIRST DAY OF LIFE,
WE ARE OUR CHILDREN’S LEADERS AND TEACHERS.

Our job is to set firm – but gentle – boundaries with them.
It is to help them to learn to tolerate and manage uncomfortable emotions.
It is to teach them the skills they need to develop and sustain healthy relationships.

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Here are some of the skills that parents need to know in order to create the future adults they want their little ones to become.

SKILL # 1. MODEL AND TEACH POSITIVE MOOD AND THOUGHT MANAGEMENT

If we gratify our children’s every wish or desire in the moment so that they won’t ever have to feel sad or anxious or disappointed or hurt or frustrated, we teach them to look outside of themselves to for emotional regulation. They learn to turn to drugs or alcohol or sex or other types of “quick fix” remedies in order to anesthetize themselves against pain. Kids need to know that life is painful. They also need to know that they can learn to positively tolerate and even manage that pain.

Our job is to help our children understand that in life they will not always get what they want when they want it.

Our job is give them the skills they need to identify, accept and appropriately handle uncomfortable thoughts and feelings when life says, “No”.

SKILL # 2. MODEL AND TEACH RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATIONS

If we allow our kids to speak to us or to others with disrespect because we are “too tired” or “too burned out” or “too afraid” to confront them, we teach them how to form poor social relationships. They will learn to be alone. Or they will learn to be in unhealthy – perhaps even aggressive – relationships with others.

Our job is to teach our children to be neither “bullies” nor “victims”.

Our job is to provide them with the assertive interactional skills they need to respectfully stand up for themselves without stepping on others.

SKILL # 3. MODEL AND TEACH APPROPRIATE BOUNDARY SETTING

If we constantly make excuses to family, to teachers, to bosses, to the law for our children’s poor choices because we “don’t want them to get into trouble”, we enable them to make the same mistakes over and over again. They will learn to depend on others to bail them out. They will learn how not to assume responsibility for what they do.

Our job is to establish “realistic and appropriate” rules for our children, as well as “realistic and appropriate” consequences for rule-infraction.

Our job is also to follow through with these “realistic and appropriate” consequences, – NO MATTER WHAT! If we give in to our children’s tears, anger, pleading, threats for “just one more chance” following their boundary violations, we teach them how to manipulate us the next time that they break a rule.

SKILL # 4. REACH OUT FOR HELP AND SUPPORT AS NEEDED

Parenting a child to adulthood is one of the hardest and most important jobs we’ll ever have in our lifetimes. What we model and teach today will have a definite impact on the adults they become tomorrow. If you do not have the skill set you need to effectively parent your child through one developmental stage or another, I encourage you to reach out to others who can assist you in the learning process.

WE ARE OUR CHILDREN’S FIRST LEADERS AND TEACHERS.

WE CAN ONLY PASS ON TO THEM WHAT WE KNOW.